It’s not what you think.

It was summer 2015 and I was on my first ever girls holiday to Turkey with one of my best friends, Chelsea. I won’t harp on about it – we had a schamaaaazing time, but boy, was it eventful. In between the front desk man telling us he had a big penis, we spent our evenings in Captain’s Bar guzzling 2 for 1 cocktails, singing on the karaoke machine and occasionally dancing on the bar. Such fun!

It was at Captain’s Bar that we met Vedat. Vedat was the owner of the bar and once he realised Chelsea and I would be going there every night, he took a liking to us and always made sure we were well looked after. As well as repeatedly saying “Chelsea and Sarah – best act in the house!” he also said “yeeaaah baby!” a lot. I don’t remember why.

To be honest, I think he was trying to groom us but the joke’s on him – we knew his game.

All we had to do was smile sweetly and we got free stuff. I’m not joking. I said, ‘Can I have a free shot?’ and I got one. Being a cheapskate pays off.

We also had a free game of crazy golf because he knew the owner, enjoyed a free waffle and Vedat even made us a fruit salad one of the evenings to enjoy with our cocktails. I mean yes, the waffle and fruit could have been roofied but, thank god, it wasn’t. On the last night, he gave Chelsea a weird head massage and to this day we still have no idea why. But still, we got all that and pissed off back home at the end of the week. Not bad, huh?

However, that’s not to say he didn’t try to get us to stay. Vedat’s a trier. One evening he overheard us ranting about going back to work – you know, the typical post-holiday blues that come on before your holiday is even over. This was, of course, after a number of cocktails.

Vedat had a solution that he genuinely believed would solve all our problems. We could leave our lives in England behind and become dancing waitresses at his bar!

Yes, really. *Sighs*

He said we could stay with him, he’d pay for our food and accommodation and would pay for us to work for him and dance on top of the bar every night. Yes, really.

Whilst blonde’s do have more fun, we’re not as stupid as we’re given credit for and something about Vedat’s offer sounded rather prostitutey to us both. I’m not about that life. It may be obvious, but we did not stay in Turkey as Vedat’s personal dancing waitresses *shudders*

As groomery / pimpish / creepy as Vedat came off when looking at the holiday retrospectively, he did look after us … sort of. Oh yes, this story is far from over.

Yet again we were sat in Captain’s bar. The cocktails were flowing, I was getting tipsy and, as per usual, I was attracting weird men. Great. Along the promenade, people were selling things and a random Turkish man came up to me, carrying a bunch of roses. Normally you have to pay for one, or pay for one to be given to someone you like. Clever, maybe the UK should adopt this gesture..

But today, Turkish man gave me a rose free of charge (seriously this place is a goldmine for free shit), told me I was beautiful and BOOM. He pulled the classic fuckboy move and asked me back to his apartment.

Apparently saying ‘no, sorry’ wasn’t enough, so I may have told a slight complete lie and said I had a boyfriend back in the UK. You’d think this was a smart enough move, but no. Turkish rose man didn’t care about that. He told me that he had a girlfriend in Turkey but she didn’t need to know. What. A. Fuckboy. I can’t remember what followed. I probably gave him a lecture about loyalty and trust. But either way, he pissed off eventually.

UNTIL he returned a few nights later with more roses. Fucks sake. This was literally the first time a guy had showered me with roses and I was positively sick of the infernal things. Again, he kept telling me I was beautiful, was kneeling down and saying we could be together.


I tried desperately to tell him that I wasn’t interested and couldn’t possibly leave my (imaginary) boyfriend back home, but that didn’t work. He wouldn’t go away. I was genuinely getting distressed because I was so far from home and Turkish rose man wouldn’t leave me alone. Arghh.

But thank god! Vedat – my knight in pimpish armour – came to save me! He grabbed the guy by the arm, took him off the site of the bar and started talking to him. Well, I say talking. It was obviously a heated discussion. Turkish rose man looked at me longingly, so sadly, took his roses and walked away. Phew, Vedat had saved me.

Or so I thought! Yes, the plot thickens!

When Vedat had his back turned, Turkish rose man came back and started shouting at me. For fucks sake. He started saying “I young, I young!” and I thought “… ok why do I need to know this?!”

But then, he kept repeating “Why you marry old man? Why you marry old man?!”

Wait. What?

“Why you marry old man?”

Vedat hadn’t just had a word with him and made him leave.

He told Turkish rose man to leave me alone because I was his wife. His 19 year old English wife. Half his age *dies inside*.

Did this make him my sugar daddy? Let’s not forget, he was willing to pay for me to be a dancing waitress.

Seriously though, I didn’t realise that being saved from a creepy guy would result in an (almost) legally binding life sentence with another creepy guy. Shit.

Nevertheless, Vedat got Turkish rose man to back off and he never bothered me again.

And, just to clarify, I didn’t actually marry a Turkish man double my age. But apparently, marriage is the only way to get a creepy man over there to back off. What if creepy rose man didn’t take marriage for an answer though? What if Vedat would have had to have resorted to the next step, saying ‘She’s carrying my child, ok man?!’ (nothing of the sort, I’d like to add!!).

That escalated quickly.

Seriously, I would have died if he’d have said that. So at least that didn’t happen. At least I wasn’t Vedat’s temporary baby mamma.

I don’t think we’re quite there yet.

The End.

p.s. Captain’s Bar has since been shut down. I don’t know why, but I think the less questions asked – the better.